Do you ever “save” things to think about when you have time to really dig deep and get lost in thought? I used to do this before I would go on a run. Save things to keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t contemplate stopping or walking. I started to save things to think about during long car rides because I pretty much stopped running after high school and I moved 3 hours away from home. I need to think about things to make the time go by.
Today I was on that drive and while it’s not as peaceful with two kids in tow who do not get the concept of time and ask you incessantly how much longer when you said 2 hours literally a minute ago- I actually had some time to think. I didn’t save anything to think about since there is way too much these days that I don’t have to search for something for me to plan, or reflect on- so my mind reached for the first thing- my kids.
Lilo and Stitch was playing and my mind was jarred when the sister was just yelling at Lilo. I started to remember how quick I can be to yell these days. The stress gets to me- I spend a lot of my patience on other people’s kids that I don’t have much left for my own. I vowed to take more deep breaths and try harder- it’s not their fault I struggle to keep it all together.
I drove further and my mind continued to remember…
– how ready I was to be a mom, I wanted to be one so badly!
– how unprepared I was to be a mom despite doing all of the prep I could think of (I’m quite the planner)
– how hard it was to want to go back to work so badly (the guilt!)
– how hard it was to balance work and parenting
– how exciting it was to have another child
– how hard it was to have a second child
– how deep and scarring early health traumas can be when it comes to your own children
– how anxious I would feel to be left alone with my kids
– how lost I felt in this world when I had everything I ever wanted
– how hard it was to ask for help
– how hard it was to actually get help
– how good it felt to be feeling more like myself
– how hard it has been to be a parent, a teacher, a family member, a friend, a person throughout this entire pandemic
– how excited I am to be on a trip, with my kids, on my own (yes grandparents will be there but not the same as their dad!) and to really truly be looking forward to time away with them- no more anxious thoughts, heck/ I even checked out some e-books because I think I just might be able to read a book…for fun!
I haven’t had a drive like this in awhile. I didn’t even need my normal car snacks to keep me going- I was fueled by being where I am at today from where I have come. It’s good to feel good and it will be even better after this perfectly timed break.