“reframe”

“…..my baby, …..my baby! Can I hold my baby?!

There’s so much novelty in having a new baby in our family! Especially after all these years.

The tip of my nose slides over her pink cheek. Her luminous skin is as soft as velvet! I ache for her when I have not seen her in a few days. It’s essential that I hold her, feel her weight smell her skin! I want to get as close as I can to her without squishing her!

These strong reactions come as a complete shock to me. Where has this ‘compartment’ inside of me been hiding?…the one that opened to a deep cavern of colossal love?

“My baby” is actually my granddaughter. (Did you know that “granddaughter” has two “d”‘s?). I’ve never before thought about being a Grandma (Nana? Grammie? Mom-mom? Nonnie? …). She is my first grandchild – my daughter’s daughter. I loved my daughter in such a different way. Fiercely, and with the confidence that she needed me. This baby is “once removed”. My daughter’s baby. How do I connect with her? Who am I in her life? what will she call me?

In any event, my baby is already 9 months old. She is crawling and clapping, gurgling and laughing. She says “da-da” but not yet “ma-ma”. These nine months have gone by in a moment’s time. But as yet, I still haven’t decided what she should call me.

You see, I want to be the greatest grandmother, ever! Not just ANY grandmother. I want to go above and beyond what other grandmothers have EVER done before! I want to shower her with all my love and give her all the attention she needs. I want to stretch her brain and her arms and her legs and her joie de vivre! The name I choose for me should reflect all of these great things I want to be for her, right?

Then I stop myself…..because my emotions feel too strong, overbearing, inorganic. Something inside my mind says: “reframe”.

My shoulders relax.

My love for my granddaughter could be ‘endless’ rather than ‘colossal’…. comfy rather than crushing….. constant rather than blistering. I take a BIG breath.

She will call me something, I’m sure, …someday.

I love my granddaughter. Her name is Ada.

9 comments

  1. Oh Patti, you are an amazing grandparent!! I can’t wait to see what baby Ada will call you. My favorite line was, “I want to stretch her brain and her arms and her legs and her joie de vivre!” She is so loved!

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  2. What a lucky little lady Miss Ada is to have YOU in her life. Whatever it is you’ll be called, it will be with love and all things good- I know it! I echo Krista, what a line that was! I can feel your love for her screaming from this post! Love you so, Patti!❤️

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  3. The contrast in comfy and crushing, constant and blistering is really beautiful. Thanks for sharing your love ❤

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  4. Love Love Love! I hope one day, you are able to look back and read this to Ada, to *show* her how loved she is now, and how you are always thinking about her.

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  5. Patti – this is just so beautiful. A gorgeous love letter to your granddaughter – who anyone can tell is so very very loved by you. I love how you describe this love!! I’m so glad you are slicing with us.

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  6. Oh my gosh THIS: “These strong reactions come as a complete shock to me. Where has this ‘compartment’ inside of me been hiding?…the one that opened to a deep cavern of colossal love?” I’d argue that you’ve always been overflowing with colossal love, but I still adore these lines. 🙂

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