“…..my baby, …..my baby! Can I hold my baby?!
There’s so much novelty in having a new baby in our family! Especially after all these years.
The tip of my nose slides over her pink cheek. Her luminous skin is as soft as velvet! I ache for her when I have not seen her in a few days. It’s essential that I hold her, feel her weight smell her skin! I want to get as close as I can to her without squishing her!
These strong reactions come as a complete shock to me. Where has this ‘compartment’ inside of me been hiding?…the one that opened to a deep cavern of colossal love?
“My baby” is actually my granddaughter. (Did you know that “granddaughter” has two “d”‘s?). I’ve never before thought about being a Grandma (Nana? Grammie? Mom-mom? Nonnie? …). She is my first grandchild – my daughter’s daughter. I loved my daughter in such a different way. Fiercely, and with the confidence that she needed me. This baby is “once removed”. My daughter’s baby. How do I connect with her? Who am I in her life? what will she call me?
In any event, my baby is already 9 months old. She is crawling and clapping, gurgling and laughing. She says “da-da” but not yet “ma-ma”. These nine months have gone by in a moment’s time. But as yet, I still haven’t decided what she should call me.
You see, I want to be the greatest grandmother, ever! Not just ANY grandmother. I want to go above and beyond what other grandmothers have EVER done before! I want to shower her with all my love and give her all the attention she needs. I want to stretch her brain and her arms and her legs and her joie de vivre! The name I choose for me should reflect all of these great things I want to be for her, right?
Then I stop myself…..because my emotions feel too strong, overbearing, inorganic. Something inside my mind says: “reframe”.
My shoulders relax.
My love for my granddaughter could be ‘endless’ rather than ‘colossal’…. comfy rather than crushing….. constant rather than blistering. I take a BIG breath.
She will call me something, I’m sure, …someday.
I love my granddaughter. Her name is Ada.