Under Pressure

Prior to having children, I was a force to be reckoned with when it came to getting things done.

I thrived so much under pressure that I would create it for myself by either adding too many things to my plate or I would procrastinate so much that the time crunch was almost impossible.

It was almost an adrenaline kick for me- accomplishing what others might think not doable.

Then I had kids and my hormones went askew and I found myself drowning under the pressure. Literally unable to breath- frozen from the tasks at hand.

This was new for me- not knowing what to do when the list got too long or the time crunch became too tight. I found myself just sitting on the couch not doing anything, almost as if I was paralyzed by the expectations set by myself, others, society, etc.

This feeling terrified me because I had never really experienced it before. Anxiety was just not a thing for me and now I was crippled by it.

After time and help I was able to manage the feeling a bit better. Slowly, steadily, my “powers” have come back. However- they are not quite what they used to be. Evolved maybe. Transformed based on what I went through.

The main difference is that I’m more tired now and I had to lower the expectations a bit. It’s possible I have lowered them to a healthier height, but the fatigue drains me.

I feel this deeply today. So much going on physically and mentally. My body goes through motions and my brains sifts and sorts- prioritizes and reprioritizes. And then I ultimately need to rest.

It’s time to rest. Time to refuel.

(Literally and figuratively – my gas meter reads about 12 miles left in my tank- like I said- adrenaline junkie)